Movie Review #2: Udta Punjab

Cookie's Movie Reviews

Hooray, it's the second installment of the Cookie Movie Reviews! This one I'm writing from the motherland itself, eating caramel popcorn in New Delhi. But now that I've decided to become the face of hilarious Hindi movie reviews, settle in and prepare for your opinions to be bedazzled. Then prepare for your opinions to be politely told to shut the hell up. Anyway, here is the review for

Udta Punjab

FAIR WARNING: This review, although insightful and delicious, is littered with SPOILERS. Therefore, if you have not watched the movie yet, scroll on down to the Cookie Chart for the Cookie Rating.

Several weeks before this movie was released, I heard of the controversy surrounding it. Apparently the Censor Board in Punjab as well as a few non-governmental organizations (NGOs) got a little bothered by a movie being released that depicted "damaging drug abuse in the Northern State of Punjab". They demanded a whole bunch of cuts and edits and slapped a whole lot of delays on the film screening. Finally, after weeks of controversy, the High Court made the decision to release the movie. Understandably, that drove the hype for this movie through the roof, so when I went to watch it, I had a certain level of expectation. I was not disappointed.

The name "Udta Punjab" literally meaning "Flying Punjab" or in the context of this movie, "High Punjab" is about how widespread drug use is in Punjab and how it affects the lives of not only the drug taker, but also has ripple effects to those around them. It starts out at the border of Punjab and Pakistan, where a group of drug runners discus throw a taped up packet across the border to land in a field in Punjab.

ISSUE #1 - So we have established that drugs are crossing the border and coming into India. Easy enough. Also, apparently there are no watch towers or check posts on EITHER side of the border so it's as easy as walking up to the small, single wire fence and chucking across a packet (think of the savings if you want to ship something!). BUT WAIT, a police truck pulls up and spends a whole 20 seconds looking for suspicious activity while the smuggler on the Indian side of the border curses and hides.

Now, I'm not sure if this hilarious lack of armed guards, drug dogs or even bright shiny torch lights reflects badly on our very own Indian Border Security Forces or the Pakistani Border Patrol but I'm pretty sure given the current relations between the two countries, there would be some area in front of the border cleared away and/or constantly monitored. Whatever it is, it would not be as easy as physically throwing stuff from one country to the other. I explore this lack of security later in the review as well.

ISSUE #2 - We have established that drugs come from across the border. So, logically, the manufacturers are also across the border. So, how exactly do these manufacturers get paid? The movie states that 1 gram of heroin costs Rs. 3000 therefore the 3 kilogram packet that was thrown across rings up a nice Rs. 9,000,000 total. That's a suitcase full of money. So obviously, someone on the Indian side reaches the border on pay day and throws across a WHOLE GODDAMN SUITCASE full of money. I'm not even factoring in the post manufacturing processing that drugs go through to exponentially increase profit. More like, someone is throwing across 4 - 5 suitcases of cash every week. Without getting caught. Lovely.

"Alright boys, keep your eyes peeled for any signs of trouble!"

"Sir, there's a guy trying to throw suitcases over the fence. He looks like a skinny drug dealer. Every time he tries to throw it, it falls back on him. Sir! A suitcase just burst open and literally thousands of rupees are being blown away in the wind. Should we maybe go arrest him, sir?"

"Damn it, Hari Prasad! I said trouble! That's just Shyam Lal doing his weekly workout! See, this is why I get the cool gun and you get the binoculars!"

Anyway, so once this ridiculousness is over and the drug packet is safely on this side of the border, who comes across it but none other than our out-of-luck damsel, Alia Bhatt.

"Damn Shyam Lal and his damn workouts. For God's sake, heard of a gym?"



Yes, this is indeed Alia Bhatt. Seen here without swathes of make up, fancy ludicrous clothes and an expression other than moronic bewilderment on her face. Seriously, in the last hundred movies, she has played the exact same character. A happy-go-lucky, impossibly carefree, head in the clouds spoilt brat who just gets by on pure cuteness and charm alone. Even her goddamn chocolate ad that plays here is stupid. Seriously, YouTube that ad. Never have I hated a bar of chocolate more than after watching that.

 "Yay, life is awesome!"

 "Responsibility? General awareness? PAYING TAXES? That's just a fancy way of saying let's make ridiculous hair moustaches!!!"

"My lassi brings all the boys to the yard.
I'm like, serious acting is hard."



So, seeing her in a more down-to-earth and relatable role as a poor Bihari farm worker is a definite plus. Rolling along, she grabs the package, realizes the suitcases of money she can make and scampers off to hatch up a plan to sell it. At the same time, we are introduced to three more characters. One is a coked out Punjabi pop star, played by Shahid Kapoor, in a role that was nothing short of fantastic. He epitomizes what it is for someone who had nothing to suddenly have everything and have that go straight to their head. 

This is cool.

This deserves to be slapped and told to go finish his physics homework.

So, we get introduced to a Punjabi pop star whose career is circling the drain because his drug addled brain can't comprehend between right and wrong anymore. As he goes from bad to worse, his UK based song producers leave him, his girlfriend leaves him and he literally creates a song trying to rhyme Coke (short for cocaine, not the equally addictive fizzy beverage) and C*** (a useful tool in the male anatomy, that no Indian male has ever learned how to use responsibly, Indian Population 1.25 billion! HIGH FIVE!)

Make Cock a part of every meal!

This pathetic attempt at song writing by the drug crazy lead actor is one of the many brilliant instances in this movie where absolute realism is thrown at the audience, leaving us gasping and confused. Everything about this character is real; his addiction, his insanely vulgar language, his refusal to admit that he is no longer the GABRU (the Man). What I especially enjoyed seeing was how enchantingly moronic his entourage is. Wherever Tommy Singh the popstar goes, he is followed by a bunch of irresponsible, gold digging, Jersey Shore looking gorillas with the combined intelligence of a brain dead chimpanzee.

"Well boys, our main source of income is hanging out of the window, high as a kite, threatening these nice gentlemen in the other car. What's the plan?"

"Bro....drive FASTER!"

"and don't forget to swerve in and out of traffic!"

"Yeah?"

"YEAH BRO"

Eventually, the pro-drug use songs, generally abusive behaviour and random acts of pure stupidity catch up to the pop star and Miley Cyrus Tommy Singh is shipped off to jail. Another truly epic and real moment awaits the audience here; in jail he meets two young boys, die hard fans of Tommy Singh who murdered their mother because she refused to give them drug money. This chilling reminder that celebrities and their lifestyle decisions have such a huge impact on young, impressionable minds plays very well with Tommy`s character, who now begins to see the error of his ways.

Two other characters are involved in this drug fueled rollercoaster of a movie; the corrupt policeman Sartaj Singh (played by Dilijit Dosanjh) and the determined anti-drug activist and rehab doctor Preet Sahni (Kareena Kapoor). Sartaj's story starts from the get-go, showing how he and his fellow policemen allow drug traffickers easy access into the region in exchange for bribes. Following his orders from an even more corrupt senior policeman, played by Manav Vij, Sartaj excels in showing the hopelessness of lower level policemen, caught in a trade they don't understand, with the promise of easy money and clout over the locals. You can't hate Sartaj's character, in fact you start off pitying him. He plays the meek cop until his teenage brother falls victim to the very drugs he allows into the cities and villages. 

Another crisp slap of realism is served up here when Sartaj's brother, Balli, shown initially as a self supposed bad-ass, fan of Tommy Singh and rebel without a cause dissolves into a hopeless loser, surviving only to shoot up with his loser friends in the ruins around the city. This serves perfectly to show the grip drugs have on the state of Punjab and Balli's scenes of him living in a fever dream rather than reality are just one of the many things that make this movie great.

"Oye, Punjabiyaan di Shaan!....Sharam"

Dung hits the fan when Balli overdoses. but not before quoting a certain confused Bihari farm worker the going rate for heroin as Rs. 3000 per gram and watching her run off in shock. It's when Sartaj sees his younger brother lying on a hospital bed, tended to by none other than our committed Preet Sahni, that the switch in his head goes from butter chicken and balle balle to bhen****, teri ma ka ****** and other colourful Punjabi expletives. He goes on a solo rampage, aided by the faithful Dr. Sahni to bring drug distribution to a stop.

In the meantime, our favourite Bihari has gotten in with some nasty customers and in fear, has dumped her package down a well. She is then captured by her buyers who find out that she is the reason one of their packages went missing in the first place. This is where the movie takes a much needed, much darker turn. So far, the lunatic antics of Tommy Singh and the somewhat gut wrenching affair with Balli provide good tearjerker moments. However, it's the finality with which Alia's character is captured and simply given over to her captors by Big Boss in charge of drug supply to be used as a plaything that really screws with your head in this one. She is repeatedly sexually abused, made a heroin addict against her will and basically confined in a dirty room with one window looking out to a billboard about vacations.

Throughout the rest of the movie development, there is always this sense of impending doom and worry the audience feels about what might be happening with her character. Why didn't they let her go? Are they going to kill her? You end up nervously watching the rest of the movie while your brain screams WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HER?

Alia's storyline doesn't so much tug at your heartstrings than wrap your heartstrings around your heart and choke the emotion out of you. Everytime she appears on screen, her situation is worse. Her addiction is worse and her hope for survival is less and less.

 This invokes feelings in you such as empathy, genuine fear and concern.

This invokes in you a strong desire to grab the script writers of her previous films and beat some reality into them with a large, preferably sharp edged, stick. Seriously, I want a refund for all the brain cells I lost sitting through these travesties where this talented actress traipsed around from one stupid quest to another, solving her First World Problems.

"Silly Daddy, this dress's price tag has only 4 digits. I can't be seen in this!"

Ugh. Praise the Lord for Udta Punjab's screen writers. At this time, Sartaj and Preet have ganged up and vowed to bring down a leading Member of Parliament who preaches about the harms of drugs but secretly runs the drug trade in Punjab, with Sartaj's senior officer in his pocket. As they snoop around factories and warehouses, collecting evidence and being general bad asses, Sartaj obviously starts falling for Preet. I mean, who wouldn't? She's a committed doctor, ballsy as hell in a sticky situation AND she's trying to save his worthless brother.

Snap back to Tommy Singh; he's been released on bail and his fans/best friends are begging him to release just one great song so they can all go back to being the drug addled wastes of space they were before. But Tommy has changed. After a nasty incident involving shooting off his producer's ear, he tries to preach to his fans the perils of drug use and how they should reform and see him for what he actually is. 

"Alright guys, I know I've pretty much shoved cocaine down your throat for all this time and probably am solely responsible for your destroyed family lives and futures but can we please just put all that behind us?"

"Seriously guys, I'm a changed man. I've spent a few nights in jail and have absolutely snorted some cocaine before giving this speech BUT CHECK OUT THE NEW HAIRCUT. You can't spell realizing the error of my ways and becoming a saint without HAIRCUT."

Understandably, the audience of his show slaps the fail out of him and chases him down a street where he happens to cross paths with a certain Bihari farmer who managed to escape her captors. Hearing her story of abuse and torture but seeing her absolutely unbreakable spirit, Tommy starts feeling all fuzzy and warm for this crazy girl, until his pursuers catch up with him and start kicking the living hell out of him. Alia saves the day but is ultimately found by the people she ran away from, who drag her back to her hellish life.

A few things at this point; first, you can't show poor Balli going through every painful withdrawal symptom in Preet's rehab centre, including cutting his wrists and slamming himself against the door as he battles his addiction in the same movie as you show a SEVERELY ADDICTED pop star who magically cures himself because he spends a few scary nights in jail and almost kills his producer. It doesn't work like that. Overcoming addiction is a slow, drawn out process requiring hundreds of hours and good ol' Tommy seems to shrug it off like a mosquito bite.

In fact, ever since he meets Alia, his apparent wonder and amazement for her make him seem almost normal. As if this: 

"I wonder what I can rhyme with fingers to make a hit song. Singers? Clingers? Got it.
Coke. YEAH! GABRU!"

never happened. The movie loses some of it's hard earned realism at this point and Tommy's character all but devolves into comedic relief. That being said, he does make it his life's mission to track down Alia.

Second, Alia is dragged back to her prison. No Tommy doesn't man up and save her. No, she doesn't kick the crap out of her captors. No, she doesn't run away again. She is simply kicked into submission and thrown into the back of a truck.

The simple brutality with which this happens and the soul crushing realization the audience feels when they see her being taken back to her hovel, to be tortured and raped once again, is one of the best moments of raw, uncensored reality I have ever seen. There is no Prince Charming, there is no White Knight, there is just a simple message.

Screw around with drugs and you will suffer. 

This really lends to the already incredible character development of Alia, rocketing her to the absolute top of this film's acting performances. Oh, and she manages to overcome her addiction too, albeit in a more realistic manner than Tommy.

Let's snap back to Sartaj and Preet. By working together, they have compiled a report which identifies the big players in the drug trade and have seen that Mr Minister McDouche is actually distributing drugs during his rallies by stuffing them in bottles and wrapping papers around them.

ISSUE #3 - So Mr. Soon-to-be-elected Minister is throwing around bottles full of drugs cleverly disguised by wrapping papers around the bottles and securing them with elastic bands. Uhhhhh...ok. So EVERYONE you are randomly throwing these bottles to KNOWS about the drugs and is cool with it? Or the general public is so stupid that they aren't going to try and open these campaign bottles and take a look inside? 

I really want to be a part of this campaign trail because this just Trumps even the stupidest marketing gimmick I've seen a politician try. I imagine the planning went down like this:

Minister - "So, election in a week. We have to reach the public AND somehow distribute ALL these drugs we've smuggled into the state. Ideas?"

Campaign monkey - "SIR! Have we tried getting the youth hooked on awful pop culture that promotes drug use?"

Minister - "Yes Kishore, we have already tried the Lindsay Lohan Tommy Singh method. Next."

Monkey - "I've got it. Let's put our drugs in easily breakable clear plastic bottles..."

Minister - "Go on."

Monkey - "..and wrap them in easily removable, easily tearable paper and physically throw them into the crowd. Oh and let's pray like hell that no policeman or doctor or lawyer or anyone with half a brain opens the bottles and takes a look inside."

Minister - "Genius, Kishore. Simply genius."

Yeah, that's pretty much the expression everyone had after watching that scene. It adds to the loss of realism in the movie and quite frankly, is a stupid way to convince the viewer that the Members of Parliament are the brains behind the whole operation. Because, honestly, Tommy's Coke-C*** song seems like a goddamn Nobel prize winning essay in comparison to THAT idea.

All the while, Sartaj and Preet have been getting closer and closer and have even mentioned the corrupt senior cop in their report. Things seem peachy (finally!) when Preet returns to her office and encounters Balli, who had been locked up this whole time, fighting his addiction in a rehab centre, trying to escape. 

A brief struggle ensues and Balli fatally stabs Preet before breaking down and crying. 

Take a minute to absorb that. One of the main characters in the film so far, the only innocent one actually trying to do good is killed off like a rat and we're expected to be ok with it.

OH HELL NO.

BUT, once again, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS. Innocents die! That's the truth and Udta Punjab, with this one shocking turn of events, does not shy away from showing us the cruel truth of drug abuse. Hell, forget shying away, this movie steps up to the plate and with a bat full of truth and proceeds to hammer reality into the heads of the audience, watching them cringe in fear. This is 100% raw and naked reality and is served up in the best way possible. Probably one of the best things to happen in a Hindi movie in a long time.

Because true love conquers all. Except cranked out recovering maniacs with access to sharp objects.

The movie wraps up with corrupt senior cop finding Preet's body and assuring Balli nothing will happen and also managing to read the file Preet and Sartaj had been compiling against him and his masters. He knocks Sartaj out and kidnaps him and Balli and takes him to the drug lord's headquarters, which also happens to be where Alia is being held hostage.

Remembering Alia telling him about a certain billboard, Tommy tracks down Alia and the three lead characters meet for the first time in the movie, as Alia stabs the hell out of her captor, Sartaj blows the head off his corrupt senior and Tommy re-decorates the drug lord's head with a hockey stick.

The movie ends with the report going public and the Minister suddenly finding himself answering some difficult questions and with Tommy calling Alia from jail several weeks later on a beach and discovering that her name is 'Mary Jane'.

This, ladies and gentlemen, was Udta Punjab. Probably one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. Four intertwined tales centered around the very real problems of drug abuse, corruption, racketeering and criminal politics in Punjab. As I said before, I was not disappointed. 

In conclusion, Udta Punjab is a great flick, guaranteed to make you think hard about the ugly side of life. Visuals are fantastic and the soundtrack fits perfectly with the movie, tweaking the audience's emotions as needed.

However, it does suffer from some unrealistic moments and some ridiculous screen writes that turn an otherwise stellar movie into a questionable joke at times.

The Cookie Chart

Pros: Fantastic acting by all the main characters, spot on visuals, awesome song list and great sense of brutal honesty

Cons: Laughably stupid at times, loses it's feeling of dark reality with some scenes

Cookie Rating

9 out of 10

Oatmeal Peanut Butter Cookie

Simple, unassuming cookie. No surprises until you take that first bite and realize the hidden delights of the peanut butter. Also, better for you than most other cookies. Go eat one now. Hell, eat two.