Movie Review #2: Udta Punjab

Cookie's Movie Reviews

Hooray, it's the second installment of the Cookie Movie Reviews! This one I'm writing from the motherland itself, eating caramel popcorn in New Delhi. But now that I've decided to become the face of hilarious Hindi movie reviews, settle in and prepare for your opinions to be bedazzled. Then prepare for your opinions to be politely told to shut the hell up. Anyway, here is the review for

Udta Punjab

FAIR WARNING: This review, although insightful and delicious, is littered with SPOILERS. Therefore, if you have not watched the movie yet, scroll on down to the Cookie Chart for the Cookie Rating.

Several weeks before this movie was released, I heard of the controversy surrounding it. Apparently the Censor Board in Punjab as well as a few non-governmental organizations (NGOs) got a little bothered by a movie being released that depicted "damaging drug abuse in the Northern State of Punjab". They demanded a whole bunch of cuts and edits and slapped a whole lot of delays on the film screening. Finally, after weeks of controversy, the High Court made the decision to release the movie. Understandably, that drove the hype for this movie through the roof, so when I went to watch it, I had a certain level of expectation. I was not disappointed.

The name "Udta Punjab" literally meaning "Flying Punjab" or in the context of this movie, "High Punjab" is about how widespread drug use is in Punjab and how it affects the lives of not only the drug taker, but also has ripple effects to those around them. It starts out at the border of Punjab and Pakistan, where a group of drug runners discus throw a taped up packet across the border to land in a field in Punjab.

ISSUE #1 - So we have established that drugs are crossing the border and coming into India. Easy enough. Also, apparently there are no watch towers or check posts on EITHER side of the border so it's as easy as walking up to the small, single wire fence and chucking across a packet (think of the savings if you want to ship something!). BUT WAIT, a police truck pulls up and spends a whole 20 seconds looking for suspicious activity while the smuggler on the Indian side of the border curses and hides.

Now, I'm not sure if this hilarious lack of armed guards, drug dogs or even bright shiny torch lights reflects badly on our very own Indian Border Security Forces or the Pakistani Border Patrol but I'm pretty sure given the current relations between the two countries, there would be some area in front of the border cleared away and/or constantly monitored. Whatever it is, it would not be as easy as physically throwing stuff from one country to the other. I explore this lack of security later in the review as well.

ISSUE #2 - We have established that drugs come from across the border. So, logically, the manufacturers are also across the border. So, how exactly do these manufacturers get paid? The movie states that 1 gram of heroin costs Rs. 3000 therefore the 3 kilogram packet that was thrown across rings up a nice Rs. 9,000,000 total. That's a suitcase full of money. So obviously, someone on the Indian side reaches the border on pay day and throws across a WHOLE GODDAMN SUITCASE full of money. I'm not even factoring in the post manufacturing processing that drugs go through to exponentially increase profit. More like, someone is throwing across 4 - 5 suitcases of cash every week. Without getting caught. Lovely.

"Alright boys, keep your eyes peeled for any signs of trouble!"

"Sir, there's a guy trying to throw suitcases over the fence. He looks like a skinny drug dealer. Every time he tries to throw it, it falls back on him. Sir! A suitcase just burst open and literally thousands of rupees are being blown away in the wind. Should we maybe go arrest him, sir?"

"Damn it, Hari Prasad! I said trouble! That's just Shyam Lal doing his weekly workout! See, this is why I get the cool gun and you get the binoculars!"

Anyway, so once this ridiculousness is over and the drug packet is safely on this side of the border, who comes across it but none other than our out-of-luck damsel, Alia Bhatt.

"Damn Shyam Lal and his damn workouts. For God's sake, heard of a gym?"



Yes, this is indeed Alia Bhatt. Seen here without swathes of make up, fancy ludicrous clothes and an expression other than moronic bewilderment on her face. Seriously, in the last hundred movies, she has played the exact same character. A happy-go-lucky, impossibly carefree, head in the clouds spoilt brat who just gets by on pure cuteness and charm alone. Even her goddamn chocolate ad that plays here is stupid. Seriously, YouTube that ad. Never have I hated a bar of chocolate more than after watching that.

 "Yay, life is awesome!"

 "Responsibility? General awareness? PAYING TAXES? That's just a fancy way of saying let's make ridiculous hair moustaches!!!"

"My lassi brings all the boys to the yard.
I'm like, serious acting is hard."



So, seeing her in a more down-to-earth and relatable role as a poor Bihari farm worker is a definite plus. Rolling along, she grabs the package, realizes the suitcases of money she can make and scampers off to hatch up a plan to sell it. At the same time, we are introduced to three more characters. One is a coked out Punjabi pop star, played by Shahid Kapoor, in a role that was nothing short of fantastic. He epitomizes what it is for someone who had nothing to suddenly have everything and have that go straight to their head. 

This is cool.

This deserves to be slapped and told to go finish his physics homework.

So, we get introduced to a Punjabi pop star whose career is circling the drain because his drug addled brain can't comprehend between right and wrong anymore. As he goes from bad to worse, his UK based song producers leave him, his girlfriend leaves him and he literally creates a song trying to rhyme Coke (short for cocaine, not the equally addictive fizzy beverage) and C*** (a useful tool in the male anatomy, that no Indian male has ever learned how to use responsibly, Indian Population 1.25 billion! HIGH FIVE!)

Make Cock a part of every meal!

This pathetic attempt at song writing by the drug crazy lead actor is one of the many brilliant instances in this movie where absolute realism is thrown at the audience, leaving us gasping and confused. Everything about this character is real; his addiction, his insanely vulgar language, his refusal to admit that he is no longer the GABRU (the Man). What I especially enjoyed seeing was how enchantingly moronic his entourage is. Wherever Tommy Singh the popstar goes, he is followed by a bunch of irresponsible, gold digging, Jersey Shore looking gorillas with the combined intelligence of a brain dead chimpanzee.

"Well boys, our main source of income is hanging out of the window, high as a kite, threatening these nice gentlemen in the other car. What's the plan?"

"Bro....drive FASTER!"

"and don't forget to swerve in and out of traffic!"

"Yeah?"

"YEAH BRO"

Eventually, the pro-drug use songs, generally abusive behaviour and random acts of pure stupidity catch up to the pop star and Miley Cyrus Tommy Singh is shipped off to jail. Another truly epic and real moment awaits the audience here; in jail he meets two young boys, die hard fans of Tommy Singh who murdered their mother because she refused to give them drug money. This chilling reminder that celebrities and their lifestyle decisions have such a huge impact on young, impressionable minds plays very well with Tommy`s character, who now begins to see the error of his ways.

Two other characters are involved in this drug fueled rollercoaster of a movie; the corrupt policeman Sartaj Singh (played by Dilijit Dosanjh) and the determined anti-drug activist and rehab doctor Preet Sahni (Kareena Kapoor). Sartaj's story starts from the get-go, showing how he and his fellow policemen allow drug traffickers easy access into the region in exchange for bribes. Following his orders from an even more corrupt senior policeman, played by Manav Vij, Sartaj excels in showing the hopelessness of lower level policemen, caught in a trade they don't understand, with the promise of easy money and clout over the locals. You can't hate Sartaj's character, in fact you start off pitying him. He plays the meek cop until his teenage brother falls victim to the very drugs he allows into the cities and villages. 

Another crisp slap of realism is served up here when Sartaj's brother, Balli, shown initially as a self supposed bad-ass, fan of Tommy Singh and rebel without a cause dissolves into a hopeless loser, surviving only to shoot up with his loser friends in the ruins around the city. This serves perfectly to show the grip drugs have on the state of Punjab and Balli's scenes of him living in a fever dream rather than reality are just one of the many things that make this movie great.

"Oye, Punjabiyaan di Shaan!....Sharam"

Dung hits the fan when Balli overdoses. but not before quoting a certain confused Bihari farm worker the going rate for heroin as Rs. 3000 per gram and watching her run off in shock. It's when Sartaj sees his younger brother lying on a hospital bed, tended to by none other than our committed Preet Sahni, that the switch in his head goes from butter chicken and balle balle to bhen****, teri ma ka ****** and other colourful Punjabi expletives. He goes on a solo rampage, aided by the faithful Dr. Sahni to bring drug distribution to a stop.

In the meantime, our favourite Bihari has gotten in with some nasty customers and in fear, has dumped her package down a well. She is then captured by her buyers who find out that she is the reason one of their packages went missing in the first place. This is where the movie takes a much needed, much darker turn. So far, the lunatic antics of Tommy Singh and the somewhat gut wrenching affair with Balli provide good tearjerker moments. However, it's the finality with which Alia's character is captured and simply given over to her captors by Big Boss in charge of drug supply to be used as a plaything that really screws with your head in this one. She is repeatedly sexually abused, made a heroin addict against her will and basically confined in a dirty room with one window looking out to a billboard about vacations.

Throughout the rest of the movie development, there is always this sense of impending doom and worry the audience feels about what might be happening with her character. Why didn't they let her go? Are they going to kill her? You end up nervously watching the rest of the movie while your brain screams WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HER?

Alia's storyline doesn't so much tug at your heartstrings than wrap your heartstrings around your heart and choke the emotion out of you. Everytime she appears on screen, her situation is worse. Her addiction is worse and her hope for survival is less and less.

 This invokes feelings in you such as empathy, genuine fear and concern.

This invokes in you a strong desire to grab the script writers of her previous films and beat some reality into them with a large, preferably sharp edged, stick. Seriously, I want a refund for all the brain cells I lost sitting through these travesties where this talented actress traipsed around from one stupid quest to another, solving her First World Problems.

"Silly Daddy, this dress's price tag has only 4 digits. I can't be seen in this!"

Ugh. Praise the Lord for Udta Punjab's screen writers. At this time, Sartaj and Preet have ganged up and vowed to bring down a leading Member of Parliament who preaches about the harms of drugs but secretly runs the drug trade in Punjab, with Sartaj's senior officer in his pocket. As they snoop around factories and warehouses, collecting evidence and being general bad asses, Sartaj obviously starts falling for Preet. I mean, who wouldn't? She's a committed doctor, ballsy as hell in a sticky situation AND she's trying to save his worthless brother.

Snap back to Tommy Singh; he's been released on bail and his fans/best friends are begging him to release just one great song so they can all go back to being the drug addled wastes of space they were before. But Tommy has changed. After a nasty incident involving shooting off his producer's ear, he tries to preach to his fans the perils of drug use and how they should reform and see him for what he actually is. 

"Alright guys, I know I've pretty much shoved cocaine down your throat for all this time and probably am solely responsible for your destroyed family lives and futures but can we please just put all that behind us?"

"Seriously guys, I'm a changed man. I've spent a few nights in jail and have absolutely snorted some cocaine before giving this speech BUT CHECK OUT THE NEW HAIRCUT. You can't spell realizing the error of my ways and becoming a saint without HAIRCUT."

Understandably, the audience of his show slaps the fail out of him and chases him down a street where he happens to cross paths with a certain Bihari farmer who managed to escape her captors. Hearing her story of abuse and torture but seeing her absolutely unbreakable spirit, Tommy starts feeling all fuzzy and warm for this crazy girl, until his pursuers catch up with him and start kicking the living hell out of him. Alia saves the day but is ultimately found by the people she ran away from, who drag her back to her hellish life.

A few things at this point; first, you can't show poor Balli going through every painful withdrawal symptom in Preet's rehab centre, including cutting his wrists and slamming himself against the door as he battles his addiction in the same movie as you show a SEVERELY ADDICTED pop star who magically cures himself because he spends a few scary nights in jail and almost kills his producer. It doesn't work like that. Overcoming addiction is a slow, drawn out process requiring hundreds of hours and good ol' Tommy seems to shrug it off like a mosquito bite.

In fact, ever since he meets Alia, his apparent wonder and amazement for her make him seem almost normal. As if this: 

"I wonder what I can rhyme with fingers to make a hit song. Singers? Clingers? Got it.
Coke. YEAH! GABRU!"

never happened. The movie loses some of it's hard earned realism at this point and Tommy's character all but devolves into comedic relief. That being said, he does make it his life's mission to track down Alia.

Second, Alia is dragged back to her prison. No Tommy doesn't man up and save her. No, she doesn't kick the crap out of her captors. No, she doesn't run away again. She is simply kicked into submission and thrown into the back of a truck.

The simple brutality with which this happens and the soul crushing realization the audience feels when they see her being taken back to her hovel, to be tortured and raped once again, is one of the best moments of raw, uncensored reality I have ever seen. There is no Prince Charming, there is no White Knight, there is just a simple message.

Screw around with drugs and you will suffer. 

This really lends to the already incredible character development of Alia, rocketing her to the absolute top of this film's acting performances. Oh, and she manages to overcome her addiction too, albeit in a more realistic manner than Tommy.

Let's snap back to Sartaj and Preet. By working together, they have compiled a report which identifies the big players in the drug trade and have seen that Mr Minister McDouche is actually distributing drugs during his rallies by stuffing them in bottles and wrapping papers around them.

ISSUE #3 - So Mr. Soon-to-be-elected Minister is throwing around bottles full of drugs cleverly disguised by wrapping papers around the bottles and securing them with elastic bands. Uhhhhh...ok. So EVERYONE you are randomly throwing these bottles to KNOWS about the drugs and is cool with it? Or the general public is so stupid that they aren't going to try and open these campaign bottles and take a look inside? 

I really want to be a part of this campaign trail because this just Trumps even the stupidest marketing gimmick I've seen a politician try. I imagine the planning went down like this:

Minister - "So, election in a week. We have to reach the public AND somehow distribute ALL these drugs we've smuggled into the state. Ideas?"

Campaign monkey - "SIR! Have we tried getting the youth hooked on awful pop culture that promotes drug use?"

Minister - "Yes Kishore, we have already tried the Lindsay Lohan Tommy Singh method. Next."

Monkey - "I've got it. Let's put our drugs in easily breakable clear plastic bottles..."

Minister - "Go on."

Monkey - "..and wrap them in easily removable, easily tearable paper and physically throw them into the crowd. Oh and let's pray like hell that no policeman or doctor or lawyer or anyone with half a brain opens the bottles and takes a look inside."

Minister - "Genius, Kishore. Simply genius."

Yeah, that's pretty much the expression everyone had after watching that scene. It adds to the loss of realism in the movie and quite frankly, is a stupid way to convince the viewer that the Members of Parliament are the brains behind the whole operation. Because, honestly, Tommy's Coke-C*** song seems like a goddamn Nobel prize winning essay in comparison to THAT idea.

All the while, Sartaj and Preet have been getting closer and closer and have even mentioned the corrupt senior cop in their report. Things seem peachy (finally!) when Preet returns to her office and encounters Balli, who had been locked up this whole time, fighting his addiction in a rehab centre, trying to escape. 

A brief struggle ensues and Balli fatally stabs Preet before breaking down and crying. 

Take a minute to absorb that. One of the main characters in the film so far, the only innocent one actually trying to do good is killed off like a rat and we're expected to be ok with it.

OH HELL NO.

BUT, once again, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS. Innocents die! That's the truth and Udta Punjab, with this one shocking turn of events, does not shy away from showing us the cruel truth of drug abuse. Hell, forget shying away, this movie steps up to the plate and with a bat full of truth and proceeds to hammer reality into the heads of the audience, watching them cringe in fear. This is 100% raw and naked reality and is served up in the best way possible. Probably one of the best things to happen in a Hindi movie in a long time.

Because true love conquers all. Except cranked out recovering maniacs with access to sharp objects.

The movie wraps up with corrupt senior cop finding Preet's body and assuring Balli nothing will happen and also managing to read the file Preet and Sartaj had been compiling against him and his masters. He knocks Sartaj out and kidnaps him and Balli and takes him to the drug lord's headquarters, which also happens to be where Alia is being held hostage.

Remembering Alia telling him about a certain billboard, Tommy tracks down Alia and the three lead characters meet for the first time in the movie, as Alia stabs the hell out of her captor, Sartaj blows the head off his corrupt senior and Tommy re-decorates the drug lord's head with a hockey stick.

The movie ends with the report going public and the Minister suddenly finding himself answering some difficult questions and with Tommy calling Alia from jail several weeks later on a beach and discovering that her name is 'Mary Jane'.

This, ladies and gentlemen, was Udta Punjab. Probably one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. Four intertwined tales centered around the very real problems of drug abuse, corruption, racketeering and criminal politics in Punjab. As I said before, I was not disappointed. 

In conclusion, Udta Punjab is a great flick, guaranteed to make you think hard about the ugly side of life. Visuals are fantastic and the soundtrack fits perfectly with the movie, tweaking the audience's emotions as needed.

However, it does suffer from some unrealistic moments and some ridiculous screen writes that turn an otherwise stellar movie into a questionable joke at times.

The Cookie Chart

Pros: Fantastic acting by all the main characters, spot on visuals, awesome song list and great sense of brutal honesty

Cons: Laughably stupid at times, loses it's feeling of dark reality with some scenes

Cookie Rating

9 out of 10

Oatmeal Peanut Butter Cookie

Simple, unassuming cookie. No surprises until you take that first bite and realize the hidden delights of the peanut butter. Also, better for you than most other cookies. Go eat one now. Hell, eat two.

Movie Review #1: Bajirao Mastani

Cookie's Movie Reviews

Good evening. I've decided to expand my mental scribblings and start a new project of taking your favourite movies and painfully scrutinizing them in hilarious ways. So, allow me to introduce my movie review.

Bajirao Mastani

FAIR WARNING: This review, although insightful and delicious, is littered with SPOILERS. Therefore, if you have not watched the movie yet, scroll on down to the Cookie Chart for the Cookie Rating.

After hearing everyone in Bollywood wet themselves over how toe-curlingly awesome the new history/drama/love story Bajirao Mastani was, me and the Blub decided to mosey on over to the local cinema and watch it. After we had sat down and gotten comfortable, she obviously remembered she wanted a big ol' tub of popcorn even though earlier we had walked RIGHT PAST THE CONCESSION STAND. Regardless, after a brief popcorn acquiring mission, we settled in to be dazzled.

The poster above sums it up perfectly; two super hot chicks and one angry looking bald dude with A GLORIOUS MUSTACHE. Seriously, had I known about the mustache, I would have gone to see this in Ultra Super 3D and hoped to get as close as possible to his magnificent man-brush.

Anyway, the movie is about the kingdom of the Marathas, which is in the process of picking a new prime minister or Peshwa. Nowadays, to become prime minister you have to allow yourself to be beaten senseless by politics until at last you stagger into office promising lower taxes and free marshmallows for all. Not so the case back in the day. Baldy-Mo up there gets to be the new Peshwa in the most badass way possible; by splitting a peacock feather in half using a bow and arrow from 20 feet away. 

"My administration will TARGET inadequacies in our current system and not BOW down to negative influences"

So, as the King sits there drooling after that feather is neatly split into two, the new Peshwa decides to go on an ass-kicking rampage throughout India, with the eventual goal of terrifying the current Mughal monarchs and flying the Maratha flag in the capital, Delhi. His armies spread through the land, winning lands and defeating enemies in scenarios I like to think go a little like this:

Gimme all your land and jewels and marshmallows and s***, bro!

HELL NO, we the Mughals b****! One dude doesn't scare us! We got an army! 

Uhhhh, King Bro, you seen that guy's majestic mo?

LOOK AT IT, we can't top that, even with camels and horses and elephants. That is one godly face decal.

Oh, good point, alright scary warrior bro, take all our s***.  Peace.  

Ugh...NEXT!

Peshwa does this until one day when he's camping out and he gets a messenger begging him to help a nearby kingdom of Bundelkand, which is under attack. Since BajiWow is too busy shopping for fancy hats, he initially says no. That is until the messenger bursts into his room, kicks his guards' asses and draws a sword in front of him. As a testament to being made out of pure testosterone, our Peshwa KICKS the guy without even lifting his sword and is about to hand out a Maratha style whooping when the messenger's helmet falls off.

Peshwhaaaaa...?

Enter Mastani, the daughter of nearby soon-to-be attacked Kingdom and reigning Miss Bundelkand three years running.

Seeing his comely new guest, Baldy Mo IMMEDIATELY rushes to the kingdom under attack, chops off heads and hands and saves the day. Oh, and he manages to almost kill Mastani because he thinks she was about to kill him but totally saved his life instead. 

As Mastani is recovering and starting to fall in love with Bajirao, he comes to visit her and does the unimaginable indecency of giving her his favourite knife, probably as an apology which in my head went like this:

"Hey girl, sorry I tried to stab you and all."

"But, you did stab me...in the heart...with love...I am yours forever now."

"Yeeaahh ok that was creepy. Anyway, I gotta bounce. Here, have this cool knife. Just in case you ever forget the guy who almost made you into a kebab."

"I shall treasure this forever, O Mighty Lord of Lords, why must you leave me? Don't you see that I am forever going to be your #1 crazy fan, even though I've known you all of 4 days and since then you have kicked me and stabbed me?"

"Ooookkkk weirdo. See you around."

Because this unthinkable giving of one's knife to a girl apparently in Bundelkand culture means a marriage proposal. Which Mastani immediately accepts. Even though Baji bhai as no sweet clue of what he has done and leaves soon after to go back to his kingdom and his own wife, Kashi. 

Seriously, he left THIS at home for 8 months at a time. THIS. 

At this point, the story started to fall apart for me. I know I have described the opening few scenes of this movie in great detail so far but I am not going to be as generous for the rest. The reason is that I felt that after this initial awesomeness, the movie started getting slow and predictable. That was one of the biggest drawbacks I found in this otherwise visually delightful movie. Essentially, Mastani follows Peshwa back to Maratha-land, because she is so in love that she is willing to forgo the difference they have in culture and religion (her being a Muslim and him a Hindu), completely ignore her Mom's warnings of never being accepted in Baji's family and completely ignore the fact THAT HE HAS A WIFE AT HOME. 

Because true love triumphs over all else. This twist in the movie really works against the great build up of Mastani as a warrior princess. She skips merrily to BajiBoo and as expected, is treated like absolute garbage by his Mother. 

But Mastani doesn't ever give up, repeatedly presenting herself in front of Baji and ignoring everyone else in his court, all in the name of love. Now, I appreciate the message here. That love has no boundaries, and no caste, religion or culture differences can stand in the way of finding one's soulmate. However, the rest of this movie has been stretched out into a 2 hour sob story of how poor, poor Mastani is just a gal in love and how society boos her from all angles. What's even more frustrating is that when Bajirao finds out she is in his kingdom and meets her and finds out that apparently they're married, he AGREES IN A SECOND to take her on as a second piece of arm candy.

Ok, hold on. Back up. Did you want to maybe think about your current super hot wife? No? Ok, how's about the fact that a few days ago, you showed absolutely zero interest in this girl and now, you're agreeing to marrying her? Smooth. I'm pretty sure the first solid advice for men everywhere was born on that day.

Gentlemen, for God's sake, keep your dagger in your pants.

The movie, which had been doing so well, explaining the warrior characters of Baji and Mastani and the more demure but funny character of Kashi starts to disintegrate as we see scene after scene of Baji and Mastani proving that they are above all else. They do this by pissing off Mommy dearest, the Brahmin Bunch and pretty much the whole damn court. Hell, BajiBro even decides to have a kid with Mastani, at the exact same time he has a kid with Kashi. 

In this process, what was most painful to see was the devolution of Mastani's character from a don't-take-no-s*** warrior queen to a how's-the-meatloaf-dear housewife. 

From this ballsy fire breathing demon hottie.

To this oh-my-I-must-avoid-my-gaze disappointment.

Understandably, the character of Kashi starts to wither seeing her husband's craze for his new wife. That transition was shown well in this movie, her slow realization that she's not teacher's pet anymore. Into her final acceptance that even though her husband has been a total jackass about it, there's no reason for her not to be nice to Mastani. That was a great personal touch added to the movie, the almost reconciliation between the two wives while Baji is out stabbing bad guys in the face and hopefully keeping his knives to himself.

Another area in which this movie lacked was the development of the original storyline. Remember how Baji wanted to plant the Maratha flag in Delhi? Yeah well that story runs face first into a brick wall with the arrival of Mastani and all her overly attached baggage. They feebly try to bring back the conquest storyline by having Baji trick the Nizam of Deccan in the south of India into not communicating with his fellow Mughals in Delhi and warning them of Baji's plans. However, this is done so shabbily that it seems put together last second.

Basically, Baji sneaks into the Nizam's palace and LIES TO HIS FACE saying that he has 40,000 troops to the Nizam's 20,000 and if the Nizam isn't a good little boy, then he's about to get 40,000 spankings. It goes like this:

See these guys behind me?!  Multiply by 40,000 motherf*****! Don't you dare tell Delhi I'm coming!

What? No way. Don't believe it for a second. I'm obviously going to verify this the second  you leave my cou....

NO VERIFYING. Come on man, don't be a d***. I have TWO wives to deal with and this mustache to maintain. Kya yaar, bhai nahi hai? Aisi baat ho gayi?

Well...ok I guess. Now run along you little scamp :).

Seriously, that is the extent of his great plans to conquer the Mughal empire. A pinky promise with the Nizam so Baji can march on Delhi. It was not fun to watch.

Eventually, Baji decides to march off to war again and while he's away, Mastani and kid are clapped in chains and imprisoned by Baji's eldest son, apparently tired of seeing his Mom being humiliated. When he hears about this, Baji goes INSANE and jumps on his horse and charges out of his camp.....STRAIGHT TOWARDS HIS ENEMIES.

Now, this was masterfully done. The audience expects him to go tearing back to his castle, slap the living Jesus out of his son, free Mastani and then cut to another song and dance involving everlasting love. However, his portrayal of a crazed warrior comes across just perfectly as he nose dives into an ENTIRE F****** ARMY by himself and proceeds to systematically destroy most of them. 

But predictable as always, the once Godlike Bajirao takes a hit this time. Happens when your head isn't in the game. The rest of the movie is spent agonizingly watching both Baji and Mastani slowly die without each other, while Kashi, the poor maid who literally does NOTHING in the entire movie except appear a few times looking sad, gets to look sad again. Mind you, Kashi was played by Priyanka Chopra, one of the most (in my opinion) talented character actresses Bollywood has to offer. Yet she was cast in a role of a dutiful and then grieving wife with no interesting back story or character traits. It seemed like a great waste of acting talent. 

End scene: Baji and Mastani die and are re-united in death. Love is eternal. One respite is the scene shown Baji going crazy just before his death, running out into the ocean and hacking at imaginary foes as his fever addled brain gives out on him. The acting here was superb. But besides that, nothing happens with marching on Delhi. Go Mughal empire!

In conclusion, this movie wasn't worth the hype. The expectation is far below the reality in this case. Don't get me wrong, the costumes, cinematography and music is phenomenal. They have captured the Mughal/Maratha era perfectly and the set pieces and props are outstanding. So, a visual treat.

But, the movie itself is flat and uninspired. It spirals out of control after a few initial moments of greatness and dissolves into your run of the mill love story. Boy and girl end up together forever and ever and ever, even in death. Bleh. 

The Cookie Chart

Pros: Great acting (at times), amazing costumes, mind blowing musical sequences

Cons: No plot after the first 30 minutes, laughably predictable

Cookie Rating

6 out of 10

Raisin Cookie

Looks like a delicious chocolate chip, smells like a delicious chocolate chip until you take that first bite and taste those sneaky bastard raisins. After that, unless you're really hungry, not worth the munching.